dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
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