that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
