the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
