conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
organizing the empties. That sober.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
