He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
