Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
