I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
