Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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