If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
