I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
