I think I died a long time ago.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
