I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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