my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize