I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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