I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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