I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
