When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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