Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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