he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
