my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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