I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
