i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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