i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize