you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
