True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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