ya dads aren't the best wingmen
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
