I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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