Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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