hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We were destined to go to rehab together
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
