I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
