New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
