And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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