Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Randomize