My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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