Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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