Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
