I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
