So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
