I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I am midnight drunk by noon
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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