I wish my penis had an off switch
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
