If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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