I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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