Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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