Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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