Please don't use social media to get back at me.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
