My cat gives me a boner
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
