My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
