That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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