Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
