If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
