my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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