I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
