cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
