Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
