Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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