I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
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