I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
