hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
