She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
