I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
