She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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