I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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