I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
In America we eat man semen.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
