my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
