i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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