I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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