ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
