You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
